My last gig was half a year ago. Cruising the path of least resistance, I’d emailed the nearby coffee shop with my MySpace link, and when they said they had Halloween night open, I said sure. Some of my co-workers live near the place, and it was a Friday, and maybe it would be cool.
Or maybe not. It was one of those places where you’re not sure why they let people play, since no-one seems to want it. I hate that sinking feeling, setting up your gear, getting dirty looks from the people whose reading you’re about to interrupt. But of course you soldier on, and so I plugged in…and the guitar and amp that had worked fine back in the basement refused to work. So I dashed back home, grabbed the acoustic two-string, and sat down at the back of the place (no stage, no mic, just like any other patron who happens to be noodling on a guitar) and proceeded to shake and stutter through about four songs before deciding it wasn’t worth it. Amy got to hear me do my Frightened Rabbit cover, but other than that it was a horrible experience.
I’ve reflected on that night many times since, and I have two basic thoughts on it. First, it’s inarguably lame that since Tom and Casey moved back to Ohio, I’ve literally only played when asked to, taking NO initiative to get gigs myself–the “path of least resistance” gig on Halloween being the only exception. I played Lilly’s twice last summer as a fill-in for my fellow-ex-Raleigh compatriot Denise Hradecky, and I’ve done Hoot Night whenever it’s made its way back to Chicago (thanks, Tom). But sending out CDs? Or whatever it is you’re supposed to do nowadays? Nope, can’t be bothered. I used to think this was a cool, low-stress way to go about it. And maybe that would make sense for a successful, full band in a “smaller market.” But I’m not so sure it holds for me and Chicago. All it’s done is shrink my profile. (“Profile.” Yech.)
The second thought I have about that crappy night is what a wuss I was for not sucking it up, pasting on a smile and plowing through a full set. Is it because I’m so unaccustomed to playing in general that I go full diva at the prospect of a non-rapt audience? What happened to the fun of playing for its own sake? I can’t shake the feeling that, like so many of my peers (hi, Eric Z), I should be able to stand down any audience, however small, unruly or uninterested, and just…do what I do. Because I’m pretty good at it, and there’s a chance that someone within earshot will like it. Couldn’t it–SHOULDN’T it–be as simple as that? Getting to that mental space is the challenge, anyway.
Well, in the spirit of all the above, I sent out four gig-grubbing emails this past weekend. Wish me luck. Meanwhile, I’ll make a note to myself that if I want to post again on this topic of playing out generally, the jump-off sub-topics would be 1) confidence vs. vanity, and 2) defining “worth” and “it” when wondering if a gig is “worth it.”
